I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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