I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
