We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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