Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
