my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
false alarm, still single
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
