somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
