I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
