either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
