She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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