I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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