it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
