all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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