guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
