He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
