all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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