Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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