Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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