just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
