Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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