Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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