hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
