she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
