I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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