why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
