went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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