When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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