he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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