Her vagina should come with caution tape.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
