I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
