rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
