I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
