I got chris browned last night
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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