Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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