You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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