we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
