it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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