I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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