3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
