not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
