What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
