Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
