i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
