is your mom at the bar?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
