I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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