Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
