my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
