Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
