my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
