He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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