New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
