well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
